The fire is glowing as I sit curled on the couch under a cozy blanket. Outside, the wind hits the house and the horizontal snow means I can’t see beyond the living room window. This storm is a bad one. On the mantle, faces of our grandchildren smile from the frames. My husband is downstairs, probably having an afternoon nap while I am reading.
My friend asked me to read a book by Paul Kalanithi called When Breath Becomes Air. She has stage four cancer and wants to discuss her experiences through the cancer treatment and thoughts of dying and death. The book is a good place to begin our discussions. The request and the book have given me pause in many ways.
Reading the book and reflecting on my life, I thought of my father. I was in my early thirties when he died from cancer, less than a year from diagnosis. He was a quiet, patient man who bore the suffering stoically, withering away before our eyes. He died in palliative care within a day of his arrival there. Not knowing he was so close to the end, my husband, daughter and I were at our home four hours away. When I received the call, I was sad but relieved his suffering was over.
I remember when I returned to work as principal of a small all grade school two weeks after my father died. After greetings and condolences from teachers, everything was back to normal, except for me. Closing the office door that first day back, I sat there devastated, thinking, “How can life go on this way? Dad is dead!”
This much I came to know. Time continued without dad and I had to go on. His story was complete, mine continued to be written. Without him in my life, my time would be different. Slowly, the grief was replaced by the feeling that my father was always with me anyway. His physical form was replaced by a spiritual one, available any time, a thought away. My relationship with him evolved. Eventually, it will be the same for those I leave behind.
I wrote this poem which is far from finished but it’s a start.
In the wind
When time goes on without me
And I am no longer here,
You’ll find me in the wind that blows
Along the beach, and there
A thought will bring me closer
As close as I can be,
Cause in your heart you’ll feel me
There where you cannot see.
When time goes on without me
You know what I would stay
When life events o’re take you,
You’ll keep me close that way.
I’ll be there in the happy times
And in the sad times too
With hopeful thoughts deep in your heart
To help bring you through.
When time goes on without me
And I am no longer here
Don’t fret cause I am with you still
Within a thought so near.
These are my initial thoughts about death. It is the dying that is the issue though.
To be continued…
42 comments:
Beautiful post and a beautiful poem, Marie.
This is a moving and important post. Thank you. What a good friend you are, to stay with it during your friend's illness.
The poem is perfect, Marie. I read that book twice and obviously learned much from it. Death at a young age is hard for any of us to understand, I think. Condolences over the loss of your father when you were in your thirties. Me, too, when my father died. :-(
Marie,
This is such a moving post. I loved everything: your great storytelling, your insights, and your poem. We just lost a family member last week who had fought a year and half long battle with cancer. Your last paragraph about the physical being replaced with spiritual and only being a thought away was very helpful. So sad for your friend. Thank Maie.
You've got me crying.
I wish your friend well.. it must be such a difficult time.
I watched a couple of episodes of this show called Afterlife about a man whose wife dies of cancer and how he is trying and failing to cope with it. Your post made me think of it.
Beautiful post, Marie and such a lovely poem. I lost my dad when I was 21. It always make me sad that we didn't have a relationship when I got older but when I think of him, it brings a smile to my face. He died of cancer too
i look forward to the rest!! without getting in to any details, i want you to know how lucky you were. to have a man to father you like your dad did. someone you could miss so much as this...not everyone gets that!!
the poem is beautifully written. best wishes to your good friend, she is so lucky to have you!!
Good poem as from your father or to those dear ones who will outlive you. I find that in a way it is still just like I haven't seen my parents a for awhile. I guess that's not quite it but something like it.
Your writing today is filled with poignancy and love. Your friend is lucky to have you to walk alongside her through this difficult days.
I do love your poem. I was also in my thirties when my father died. Also from cancer. A relief that he was no longer in pain, but...
Beautiful poem! So touching! Sorry for the loss of your father. When I was in my early thirties, my mother lost a battle with cancer. She suffered for almost ten years and I think I know what you meant when you wrote that you were sad but relieved the suffering was over. I still miss her.
A beautiful post with a beautiful poem.
It's sad thinking to our beloved parents who passed away, They are always alive in our mind and in our heart.
However I complain because I could spend more time with them, to chat with them more and to do with them a lot of other things.
Best wishes to your good friend.
this is so touching and well said.
Death and preparations for it are so strange and mysterious.
Your reflections are similar to my thoughts too.
The poem really comes from your heart and I must remember this one for my life too.
Thank you
Sue
Lovely Marie.
I was extremely close to my father and so sad when he died at the impossibly young age of 59. Little did I know that my husband would die in 1990 at age 59 also. My world has never been the same but I have some wonderful memories and that is worth it all.
You are a one-in-a-million friend.
Gentle hugs...
I have noted the book title and find your poem very comforting. I sincerely hope your friend's passing will not be pain filled.
I think you've got a good thing going here.
I understand those types of loss. Just this month made three years for my mom. I still have just bouts out of the blue while missing her. My dad had been gone for 33 yrs before losing my mom. Hang in there. Helping your friend through this time is so sweet of you. It will prob be harder on you to do that then on her.
Lovely.
It sounds like this book will explain much more than the grief and the loss of your father.
A heart felt post.
Coffee is on and stay safe
I love this post. One of my first and favorite fellow bloggers lost her husband today, just months after diagnosis and far too young to go. I ache for them, his family, as they go through the grief. As I age, I find myself connecting with the idea of being part of the universe forever, staying in the wind, growing with the trees. I don't know why but it brings me comfort.
I often feel my mother with me. She is by my side, reminding me I can do it.
Hello,
Your story and poem, are moving and beautiful. There are people who will always stay in our hearts. I wish your friend well, I am glad she has you.
Take care, enjoy your day and week ahead.
Oh, I am sitting with tears in my eyes...I have tried to write a similar poem but did not get this far...but this is expressing a lot of what I was trying to say. I love it.
Reading of the warmth of your fire and seeing the faces of your photos on the mantle sounds so comforting on such a terrible stormy day as you describe! I am so sorry to hear of the news of your friend with the battle of cancer, and so very sorry about your dad and his death.
Your poem is heart touching! Stay warm
prayers and hugs to you
You're such an incredible friend. I can't imagine what it would be like to have a friend like that. I hope you and your friend have good discussions. And your poem is lovely.
Your story and poem are so heartful and beautiful...I read the poem over and over...lovely.
Warm hug from Titti
Thanks for posting this and I love your poem. I had left home for a number of years when my Dad passed on and it did not hit me quite so hard. My Mum then came to live with us for the next 9 years. She went very suddenly from a massive stroke which we were not al all prepared for 20 years ago. I have so many of her things around the house that somehow she has never really left me. I so often find myself talking to her.
Take care Diane
A beautiful poem. I love the Auden poems that begins Stop all the clocks, because it does seem impossible that ordinary life can go after a great loss.
That is a gorgeous poem. I have heard great things about that book, but my husband died of Stage 4 lung cancer so I couldn't bring myself to read it. It is odd when we are in the depths of grief that life seems normal for everyone else. I remember wondering how others couldn't see that I was falling apart inside.
Love the poem. We just lost my brother-in-law four months after a cancer diagnosis. It certainly is a discussion. It certainly is difficult. The poem is a fine mood lifter. Thanks.
Prayers
Your poem, when my time arrives, I hope my love ones will hear those words.
I can understand your feelings. My mum and dad have been gone for many years, but they are still with me in my heart and in my memory, and sometimes, a few tears in my eyes!.
My best wishes to your friend, be brave and be honest.
My mother passed away several years ago.
I guess one learns to live with the grief, but it's always there.
Beautiful poem. Experiencing with death vary so much person to person. My husband and I were practically newly weds when his mother passed of cancer. It was a lot to deal with, signing papers to pay her bills; as we were young, money tight and he was still a student. When my Mother passed 12 years ago, she was mentally very alert and called the shots herself in terms of being on hospice. Though hard to see her go, it was a relief; as I knew she couldn't possible recover beyond living in a medical facility with tubes everywhere. The hard part was getting Dad through it. When he passed this past August, again it was a relief. He was 94 and hadn't been "living" for quite some time. His passing made me realize I wasn't as young as thought I was.
I think like many of us death holds no dread for me. How I might die is another matter entirely.
Feb. 5, 2022
Your comment on my blog... "Thirty-six hours of heavy snow here. Ugh!"
It's a wonder you have power today, to write this!
I hope you will soon do a re-cap post of that terrible storm.
Gentle hugs...
Man thinks they can predict the time of death - but really only God knows that. And you are right - it really isn’t death but the act of dying that is so daunting. It is that act of letting go of life that seem unimaginable.
Having seen so many people suffer, it certainly is the act of dying rather than the actual death that is the most difficult. I enjoyed reading your poem and thoughts.
Barwitzki has left a new comment on your post ' In the wind ':
Wonderful poem.
Everyone carries their destiny and has to make the best of it.
I lost my father early and never got to know him and there was always something missing, especially in my childhood and youth... I was allowed to have my mother with me well past her 96th birthday. I am very grateful for that.
be hugged fra me
Happy Sunday to you.
What a beautiful poem. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad - I hope that the treatment works well for your friend and she has many days to discuss such things with you before her time is up!
Hope that you had a fun weekend :) We had a good one, last one of the summer school holidays!
Away From The Blue
Hi Marie, I'm late getting around to commenting here but don't want to miss any of your posts. This one is especially beautiful. I love the way you walked us through this part of your journey. I especially appreciate the idea of loved ones who have passed being a thought away. That is brilliant. Thank you Marie. John
Post a Comment